Fair-weather Friend

Noun - A friend that stops being a friend in times of difficulty.

I wish I possessed an internal alarm system that warned me as to who I should and should not give my heart to in friendships.  Yes, there generally are warning signs such as the person doesn't seem to have any long term friendships or the person seems to have a series of failed relationships where they claim to have been "abandoned/rejected".  However, if you are anything like me, a bit of a bleeding heart, you chalk it up to them being "misunderstood" and treated unfairly.

For the most part I am fortunate to have many friends who have stuck by me throughout the years. Friends who are committed to the relationship through the good times and the bad.  Friends who are willing to work through any conflicts that arise because they value the relationship. Some of these friends I have known since childhood.  Some more recent.  Whether past or present I treasure these friendships and am committed to doing what it takes to nurture and preserve them.

However, there is another kind of friend (which technically speaking isn't a friend at all) referred to as a "fair-weather friend". Have you ever given your heart to someone believing they were a true blue friend just to find out months, maybe years later, that you didn't matter to them as much as you thought you did?  Or perhaps you mattered in the beginning but at the first sign of trouble, conflict, they decided the friendship with you was not worth fighting for?  Or maybe, you didn't see eye to eye on something so they pulled away rather caring enough to talk it through.  Dr. Gordan Neufeld (a developmental psychologist specializing in attachment) states "the ultimate wound is the withdrawal of an invitation to exist in anothers presence".  I would have to agree.  It is hurtful when someone you care about withdraws and refuses to communicate.   Being brave enough to "hash things out" is essential to any healthy relationship, to any relationship that is going to stand the test of time.

When the going gets tough the faint of heart get going.  Those individuals who are fair-weather friends have the unique ability to walk away without giving it a second thought.  They are able to cut people out of their lives without wondering what went wrong.  They take the easy way out  by withdrawing and refusing all attempts at communication.  They make assumptions about the other person without checking out whether their assumptions are true or not.  In the end they blame the other person for the break up of the relationship. They rewrite history. Unfortunately they rarely are willing to examine this life long pattern and to acknowledge that they are the common denominator in these shattered relationships. Instead they are off to the next relationship sharing their tale of whoa to some unsuspecting individual of how they were done wrong by.  The "new friend" is made to feel special, at least for the time being, and provides them the sympathy and support they crave.  And so the cycle continues.  


Anyone who has experienced this knows how heartbreaking it can be.  There is a feeling of loss, sadness, betrayal, and confusion. You begin to doubt your own judgement and wonder how you ended up trusting this sort of person to begin with.  You are tempted to shut down, guard your heart and protect yourself at all costs. 


Being close to another sets you up to get hurt.  It is understandable that you might want to avoid sharing your heart with another.  But I have found the price of holding others at arms length is far too costly.  You must never regret being transparent and vulnerable.  You must never regret giving your heart to another. You must push through and allow God to heal your broken heart. You must give yourself permission to grieve. You must focus on the friendships in your life where you are cherished and nurture those relationships. You must remain true to who you are and not let bitterness enter your heart.  You must recognize what you have gained, WISDOM, and that life's greatest lessons can be learned from both those who care for you and those that disappoint you.  Ultimately, you must know when to hold on and when to let go.

New Beginnings

A new year with new beginnings.  I suspect this is going to be the year where my life is turned upside down.  You see, I plan to adopt a teenage girl (or two).  No, I have no idea who this person will be. I only know I have wanted to be a mother for years and because I never married and had my own children I believe now is the time.  Having lost my own mom almost 2 years ago now I realize just how important family is.

I have always been good with teens and worked with kids since I was a kid myself.  At age 16 I began working with children in daycare, from there my passion for helping kids grew and I began to work more with those kids that were labeled as "difficult, challenging, etc".  To me they were just young people who needed the love and care of an adult they could trust.  In any case my passion turned into a career and at age 23 I received my bachelors in Child Development and then at age 25 my Masters in Social Work.  Over the years I have worked with foster children, incarcerated teens, children and youth who have been traumatized by abuse and neglect, and currently I am working in a centre that helps young people who suffer with mental health issues.

I feel fortunate to have had such a meaningful career with young people.  I am fortunate to have so many friends with terrific kids I can love on.  Now I want a family of my own and what better way to build a family then to adopt a "waiting kid from care". So my journey begins and I pray that God in his sovereignty brings me the teen that is meant for me.